Do We Or Don't We # 1

Alright folks! Here it is… the blog that I’m excited to write about and some of you may have been anticipating. This topic is one that I’m sure we’ve all talked about with our friends at one point and has been the theme of numerous TV shows and reality series. Let’s dance on the subject rather than around it! I ask you…

When is it, or is it ever, OK to hook up or date someone your friend has hooked up with or dated in the past?

This can be quite a doozie as our hearts, loins, and conscious never seem to agree on the subject. I’d like to start by saying I’m approaching this from a short-term, somewhat casual dating stance (less than 4-5 months). Let me also add that being in a relationship for less than 4-5months doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t exclusive or meaningful. It is only my opinion that in the grand scheme of the adult dating world, 4-5 months isn’t an oober long amount of time.

Just to make sure all things are clear, I’m not talking about long-term, serious relationships and your friend wants to date the person 6 months later… NO I’m just talking about casual short-term relationships or dating.
Alrighty Dighty, let’s roll on.

I’m sure at some point all of us have been in this type of predicament or have heard about one amongst friends. There are 2 very strong and obvious sides to this:
1. Anyone who’s dated or hooked up with your friend is strictly off limits, period, no exceptions.
2. People should be able to see whomever they choose without allowing other people’s emotions to dictate their lives.

You can see how those two positions are complete polar opposites. One of my friends has in interesting way of putting it, “In Bethesda, we shit where we eat”- not literally, but she was simply stating that in our hometown area of Bethesda and Washington, D.C. at some point whether it was middle, high school, or college, everyone has pretty much dated or hooked up with everyone. Therefore as the social groups get bigger, the dating pools become smaller.

In that case, when do we throw out high school dating politics and pursue people that we have connections with? On the other hand, you have to be sensitive to other people’s feelings. It comes down to 2 things: Timing and Emotions.

TIMING: Everyone gets over situations at their own pace. I think however if you dated someone 2 years ago for a couple of weeks and now one of your friends wants to date “John-Bob” they should be able to give it a shot. At some point we all have to get over the people who didn’t work out for us. Easier said than done obviously. Again I’m strictly talking about short-term relationships. But don’t you think if you only dated someone for 3-4 months that you should be able to get over that person within 3-4 months? May be, may be not, again it depends on you.

For the person reading this who may be on the other side of things… how long should I wait? If you truly think your friend will be upset, maybe it’s too soon. Whether your friend was the dumper or dumpee, it's not smart to just jump at the first chance you have at getting together with someone. If you really have a connection with a person that your friend used to hook up with or date, but still feel awkward about it- talk to your friends and be up front about it.

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I think anyone would appreciate the honesty and respect that you show for your friendship by bringing it up to them first. I’m not saying you should ask for permission because we should be allowed to make our own decisions, but to be thoughtful enough perhaps to show you wanted to consider their feelings isn’t a bad thing either. It's up to you whether or not your friendship will end because you're the person who wants to hook up with the "ex" or because you're preventing your friend and "ex" from being happy together? Both sides are valid.

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EMOTIONS: Everyone has these. Sometimes they're resolved and sometimes they're not so it's important to make sure that we are understanding of how other people feel . Most of the time when we have unresolved feelings it’s because we didn’t get the closure we were looking for. So if you can figure out what you need to do in order to get closure, do it. Suck it up, and do it no matter how scary it might be. It’s the best feeling in the world when you know you have lifted all emotional weight off of your shoulders.

Not only are you benefiting yourself, but perhaps if that person has a connection with a friend of yours in the future it won’t make things awkward for anyone if they want to pursue each other because you have gotten over the situation - you have moved on from the past.

As Mrs. Flax from the book Mermaids once said “Death is ‘dwelling on the past, or staying in one place for too long.’"

If you want to hook up with someone that you know your friend has unresolved feelings for… or still has feelings for then maybe you should try and look for someone else. If you can’t, don’t be sneaky. People don’t like liars and most of the time when you lie you end up getting in more trouble than if you just told the truth. People may not like what you have to say, but they can’t get mad at you for telling the truth- right?! Well they shouldn’t at least.

How do we carefully balance the way we feel and how others feel? Our needs versus our friends needs. Do we allow our emotions or other people’s emotions to dictate how we live our lives and who we date?

I ask for your thoughts! What do YOU think!?